Cake

Body shots on her breasts, but all we can see is their cake.

"That cake, baby, it's got be at least four feet high."
"So many tiers, we could sure make a mess with that bad boy."
"Perfection, incakearnate."

The bride shimmying to dubsteps, spreading out from her husbands hands. We told them that we were happy for their marriage and their twins, but what we really wanted was a slice cut fresh from a baker's dream.

This wasn't some love you long time cake, this cake was classy. Fondant was no where to be found, royal icing covering a plethora of flavors: white, yellow, chocolate, red velvet. We really weren't picky.

Sweat dripping from his naked body the groom pulls up wife in one hand and a knife in the other.

"Look at that blade. What. a. blade. As long as his torso as broad as her chest. That blade could cut a cake in twain. Hell it's a wonder that the two of them can even lift it."
"We could offer to help..."
"No, no we could never..."
"They would never know, look at them covered in each other's fluids, they can hardly tell where they are. They don't DESERVE to deflower that cake."

Mozying slowly closer we reached ever so slowly for the handle. The anticipation on our lips dripping down our chins. Though it was easily buried six inches into the hard wood of the floor, it released easily with the slightest tug. Our hands intertwined we hefted it's glinting shaft into the revolving lights of the dance floor.

And gently we cut the cake into pieces specifically designed to satisfy no one. Each cut exposing more of the perfectly baked interior. Unable to resist we plunged our fingers into the frosting, breaking the extremely thin and delicate outer crust. When our fingers were finally pulled from the cake's distant interior, we turned and left. Leaving as our only trace a mound of frosted waste, which only hinted at it's former glory.

The Jerk

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Pleasure, the road

She ran.

She ran so far away.

She couldn't get away.

Ted Danson

Theodore "Ted" Danson is one of the tallest people ever made. He is also one of the most world-renowed. So you can only imagine the surprise of mine to find out he is the attendant at a gas station in Sandusky, Ohio.

I was taking a piss in the gas station rest room when he came in. He was holding a mop and a bucket. I was holding my penis. Both of us were using both our hands.

"I'm sorry, I thought the bathroom was empty," said Ted.

"I should be the one to apologize. My piss stream is near-silent. Only dogs and children with exceptional I.Q.'s can hear it."

"I'll come back later." He left and shut the door behind him.

It wasn't until while wiping urea off my foreskin that I realized who I'd been talking to. And by then it was too late. I was already back in my car, headed down the freeway at upwards of 200 MPH. For just like my father, Dale Earnhardt Jr., I do my penis-wiping while driving.

R.I.P. Ted Danson (1966-1978)