Ted Danson

Theodore "Ted" Danson is one of the tallest people ever made. He is also one of the most world-renowed. So you can only imagine the surprise of mine to find out he is the attendant at a gas station in Sandusky, Ohio.

I was taking a piss in the gas station rest room when he came in. He was holding a mop and a bucket. I was holding my penis. Both of us were using both our hands.

"I'm sorry, I thought the bathroom was empty," said Ted.

"I should be the one to apologize. My piss stream is near-silent. Only dogs and children with exceptional I.Q.'s can hear it."

"I'll come back later." He left and shut the door behind him.

It wasn't until while wiping urea off my foreskin that I realized who I'd been talking to. And by then it was too late. I was already back in my car, headed down the freeway at upwards of 200 MPH. For just like my father, Dale Earnhardt Jr., I do my penis-wiping while driving.

R.I.P. Ted Danson (1966-1978)