Thursday, November 12, 2009

Milkinson: Part 1

We all know how Milkinson died in 'Snow Falling on Peters', but very few know how he lived. This is Milkinson's story.

Milkinson Rogerst Jacobs Jr. was born in the Upper West Side of New York City. On his eleventh birthday, he decided that he did not like his middle or last name, only his first name. He threw a tantrum, threatening to burn his face on the stove unless his parents let him legally change his name to only Milkinson. They allowed the change, and a few weeks later, he was Milkinson and Milkinson only.

Milkinson had a penis like a woolly mammoth's face, sans tusks. When he was eighteen, he had sex with the captain of the women's badminton team at his school. She came several times, and by the end of it all, had a cunt like the inverse of a woolly mammoth's face, sans tusks.

The next day, she missed the final Badminton game of the season, as she was sick at home with cunt pains. The team lost without her.

Her parents were livid. They offered Milkinson a check for one million dollars to leave the state and never contact their daughter again. Milkinson took the money, and flew out to California the next day.

Milkinson had always wanted to visit California. As a youth he'd had a babysitter named Julia Roberts. She quit the job in order to pursue a Hollywood career, which devastated Milkinson. She had been his favorite sitter, and his first crush.

When Milkinson arrived in Los Angeles, he bought star map after star map, trying to find one with Julia's address on it. None did. At a bar, he complained of his woes to a stranger sitting next to him. That stranger turned out to be Robert The Niro.

The Niro took Milkinson over to the phones and showed him a phone book. Milkinson flipped through it, and lo and behold, Julia was listed. Milkinson was overjoyed. The Niro was aroused.

The Niro pulled his penis out and twirled it like a twirly snake at Milkinson. Milkinson clapped with glee; it was a phenomenal trick. The Niro dragged the now hypnotized Milkinson into the bathroom and fucked his face with his skinny twirly snake penis. The twirly snake penis slid down Milkinson's entire throat and into his stomach, where it drank all of Milkinson's stomach acid, then promptly left the way it came.

Milkinson lay devastated on the floor of the bathroom. The Niro was gone, and he was all alone. He had been robbed of all his stomach acid and would not be able to digest any food without it.

He ran out of the bar in search of a late-night stomach acid shop that was still open. None were.

If you think Milkinson should try and cultivate his own stomach acid in a basement laboratory somewhere, turn to page 68.

If you think stomach acid is overrated and Milkinson can do without it entirely, turn to page 99.

To be continued...

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