Friday, June 12, 2009

A Plea for Carnal Knowledge

Barcelona, Spain - A wildly popular new major was introduced into the curriculum this fall at the University of Barcelona. More than 1,000 incoming freshmen in the School of Psychology have declared themselves as "Carnal Knowledge" Majors. These students, under the direction of Dr. Smevgee Knoack, have copulated with over 10,000 individuals across the world since the program's inception.

"The idea is to create a complete catalog of the world's penises and vaginas." Knoack said.

The project, funded by thousands of anonymous grants made through Knoack's propaganda mouthpiece "Future Better Sex for President, Two Thousand and Sex," sends students to locations all across the world, in order to fuck a genetically diverse sample of the world's population. The student also takes various measurements and, assisted by a local translator, a short survey of the individual's sexual history. Upon returning to Barcelona, Knoack hooks the student up to an EEG machine and records their memory of the fucks (known as the "carnal knowledge" of the fucker) they have experienced. This data is later correlated with the physiological data and anecdotal history of the fucker.

"When we can learn to correlate certain aspects of a fuck with corresponding sections of the human genome, we will be able to increase future human sexual pleasure tenfold!"

Fuckers (the official term for the research subjects worldwide) are chosen randomly from a broad sample of populations chosen based on their genetic diversity. A student is then assigned to obtain sex and information from those subjects, through guile, seduction, bribery, or, one common method, the fabrication of false brothels. Students are encouraged to be compensated by the fuckers (though stealing is of course forbidden) and to donate this money back to the Future Better Sex Foundation.

The carnal knowledge of any given person includes things like the texture and wetness of thier vagina, the propensity to laugh during sex, whether they orgasm with their eyes open or closed, the aerodynamic properties of their penis, the flavor of their ejaculate, etc. These type of facts, once tied to particular genes, will be controllable by science. According to Dr. Knoack, when breeding programs are initiated (projected to begin by 2050), humanity will become a "Sexier Beast."

"Perhaps The Sexiest Beast," he added, wistfully. "We will never know until the same research has been applied to all the Beasts." Knoack confided in us his hope that his Future Sexier children will conduct this research. There was some implication that Knoack had a lot of money riding on this.

This humble smut blog wishes Professor Knoack the best in his endeavor and asks him for that our sons to have denser and more pleasant cocks than the cocks God granted us.

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