Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Vladimir was a worthless man; that was what was so sexy about him. He had no job, no aspirations. All he did was sit inside his cardboard box in the alley behind the chinese food place and sleep all day.

One day, Vladimir awoke to a knife at his throat and two slanty eyes staring at him. It was one of the dishwashers.

"Egg Roll!" the dishwasher growled.

Vladimir squinted his eyes. The light was shining very brightly. It was early in the morning; too early to think.

"Egg Roll!" the dishwasher repeated, even growlier, and forced Vladimir up onto his knees. He was strong, as far as chinese dishwashers go.

Vladimir put his hands in the air. "I don't know what you're talking about," he belched.

The dishwasher dragged Vladimir over to the shady side of a dumpster. They were obscured from pedestrian view.

"Egg roll," the dishwasher repeated, very matter-of-fact this time. He pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his penis, which looked in fact, very much like an egg roll.

"Oh," said Vladimir. He stared at the penis, transfixed. It stood a straight four inches, surrounded by a Gene Shalit bush of black hair. It was dripping with oil and very crusty.

"Egg roll!" the dishwasher growled, and shoved Vladimir's face toward his penis. Vladimir froze for a beat. The dishwasher cut a nick on Vladimir's neck as a warning, and Vladimir immediately commenced the sucking.

The penis tasted of partially-hydrogenated soybean oil. Vladimir had been sucking it no more than ten seconds before the dishwasher shrieked with orgasm and ejaculated into his mouth, filling it with the taste of duck sauce. He swallowed respectfully, and the dishwasher withdrew his penis.

"Egg roll," said the dishwasher, his breath heavy.

Vladimir quickly grabbed a hold of of the dishwasher's knife and forced it out of his hand. The dishwasher stared in shock as Vladimir drove the knife straight into the dishwasher's urethra, slicing the shaft in half, causing blood to drain out like a faucet on high. The dishwasher clutched his groin and fell to the ground. Vladimir straddled the dishwasher and stabbed both his eyes, ending his vision for good.

He got off of the dishwasher and took a few steps back to stare at his accomplishment. The dishwasher was writhing on the asphalt, screaming, one hand on his genitals and one hand covering his eyes. Vladimir smiled, turned and left. He would keep the knife.

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